How long can you hold your breath before your chest starts to hurt, and your mind starts panicking for air?
For me it is about 15 seconds. That should tell you two things right there - one, I will never be joining the Navy, and two, I need to start amping up my aerobics to increase my lung capacity.
When I was a girl, I would play a little game with myself. I would lay in bed and think of different things, different people I was missing, or maybe a boy I had a crush on. Maybe I would think of a celebrity that was far removed from the life I knew, so far that they didn't even seem real.
And then I would hold my breath and count to 10. In those 10 seconds, I would tell myself, The whole time you are holding your breath, the person you are thinking of, missing, just breathed two times...three times....four....
A little, um....quirky, I know. But somehow just knowing that they were out there, still far away, but breathing exactly at the moment I was thinking of them, made them seem a little closer. A little more real. The fact that I was holding my breath right when they took a breath made for some strange little bond in my mind.
This past year I have been holding my breath. It's been a long year, a very, very long time not to be sucking in any air. Long enough that my chest started to hurt, and then my brain, and then I just wanted to shut down and lie on the couch and not think about any of it. It's the kind of feeling where you know you aren't going to die, but where you mind still goes crazy and you feel like you are trapped in a cave somewhere, claustrophobic, and it's hard to see past your immediate circumstances.
It wasn't just the whole not getting pregnant for two years thing, although that in itself knocked the wind out of me. It was a myriad of other things, like hubby starting his own business and suddenly being plunged into a world of financial stress. Worrying about house payments and bills and food. Stress. Stress. More stress.
So for awhile I quit breathing.
And then I found that sometimes holding your breath is a good place to be. Not fun. Not fun at all, but good.
Because you close your eyes and as your chest starts to hurt, you think about the One you need more than life itself. And in those moments, He is closer to you than you even realize. You feel Him feeling every pain, every fear, ever worry.
And you realize that you are still alive, even though you haven't been breathing for such a long time. You wonder how that's possible, and then you just know.
He's been breathing for you the whole time.
And even though your chest still hurts, and you want it to just be over, you know it's gonna be ok.
Because without Him, any breath that we take really isn't breathing at all.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
How long can you hold your breath before your chest starts to hurt, and your mind starts panicking for air?
Posted by Jackie at 12:31 AM
Saturday, May 23, 2009
1997. That was when I bought my very first, very own computer. I was in school, and I thought I was pretty snazzy when I lugged the huge and heavy PC back to my campus apartment and set it up. Seriously, it was a monster.
I got an AOL account, and was thrilled to death every time that metallic voice intoned, "You've got mail." Does AOL still exist? And does that little voice still talk like that?
My obsession with the internet had begun, never to return from whence it came.
I got married, and we went through a variety of used computers that all inevitably crashed, and work computers that we had to return when we left our places of employment. Finally we purchased a laptop of our own, nothing top of the line but good enough to get the job done.
Then we got high speed internet. And, oh, watch out, because my hubby? Well, he discovered the joys of surfing the internet. Before, when we had dial-up, my sweet impatient man did not care to wait around while a page took 45 seconds to load.
But with high speed? Suddenly a whole new world opened up to him. You Tube. Ebay Motors. Car sites where they played videos of loud cars going super fast. Videos of airplanes making scary landings, or motorcycle wipeouts, or other such things that I really couldn't care less about, because after all, being the avid (ok, maybe semi-avid) blogger that I was, I had much more important things to peruse.
But you see the problem, right? One computer. Two people. Mars and Venus orbiting in two totally separate internet galaxies, but forced to share.
We were sneaky. Cordial, but sneaky. Like, he would call me to do something while I was busy with my blog reading, and when I would get up to do it, he would comandeer the computer. And then I'd do it back to him.
But this week, that all came to an end. Take a look at this:
And you know I am joking about this, and making light of it, because sharing a computer with my man hardly constitutes a hardship. And I realize this. But I've gotta admit - it's still nice. And lest you think that we spend all our free time on our side-by-side computers, let me assure you that we actually do other things, too, like take walks and read to our daughter and water our flowers outside. Truly.
Sara, thank you for hosting Project 365!
Posted by Jackie at 11:41 PM
Monday, May 18, 2009
First things first....
I've been a bad blogger. Not only because my posts have been few and far between, but also because I have not been visiting and reading and commenting. I'm so, so sorry, and plan to fix that this week.
But I have some good news! Remember that little contest I held where I begged all of you to help me name my new design blog?
Well. We have a winner! And it is...
Posted by Jackie at 1:39 AM
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
1. At approximately 11:45 at night, realize that it's been awhile since you've blogged. Decide that it's probably a good idea to post something.
2. Sit down on the couch with blurry eyes and an even foggier brain and try to come up with something. Anything. Witty and well-written aren't even factors at this point.
3. Since nothing brilliant is occurring to you at the moment, tell yourself that it couldn't hurt to glance through your Google Reader. Perhaps something there will give you some inspiration.
4. Scan through some of your favorites blogs. Notice that everything you read is either screamingly hilarious or intensely thought-provoking. Sink into a bloggy funk because you just know that nothing you can write tonight will match anything you've just read.
5. Decide that you need a small distraction. Tell yourself that you can get on Facebook for 5 minutes. That's it. Just. five. minutes.
6. Make the mistake of clicking on the most addictive word game ever, Word Challenge.
7. Notice with horror that your top score has been roundly beaten by your sister, and that she is now an Anagram Cyborg while you are still a lowly Philosopher. Tell yourself that you are not competitive and that it doesn't matter.
8. Snap out of your denial and realize that you ARE competitive. Very, very much so. Proceed to spend the next 38 minutes trying to beat her score. Come no where close. Sink into a Facebook funk because your scores are only getting lower with each successive try.
9. Remember that, oh yeah, I'm supposed to be writing a blog post. Look at the clock. Take a moment for your fuzzy brain to realize that it's now 12:56.
10. Decide that you are far too tired to formulate any coherent thoughts. Shut down the laptop, which has been on so long and has become so hot that it has been burning up your legs without you even realizing it.
11. Go to bed, where you stare into the dark and compose the best blog post EVER in your head. Think about getting back up to write it down, but decide that's silly. You can write it in the morning.
12. Get up in the morning. Have absolutely no recollection of what the best blog post EVER was about.
I know, I'm crazy, right? I'm sure this NEVER happens to anyone else.
In other news...I've been frantically working to get my Blog Design site up and running. It's almost there, just a few more tweaks. And we do have a winner from my Name that Blog Contest, but I am waiting to reveal it until my site is ready to go. Just thought I'd mention it so you don't think that I am trying to skip out on awarding the $20 gift card.
Posted by Jackie at 12:01 AM
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I went to Kohls yesterday (where else?) because they lured me in with a 15% off coupon. That's 15% off already marked down 80% off clearance, and who am I to turn down such bargains?
Because it was Saturday and my hubby was home, I got to go all by myself. No little voice begging me to go play in the toy section, just blissful browsing in the ladies section. No one telling me they had to go potty right when I reached the dressing room. Just a stack of about 18 tops which I tried on at a leisurely pace.
Why is it that out of 18 things, only one thing looks halfway decent on me?
Probably why I gravitate towards the purse and shoe section. Purses and shoes always look cute no matter what. There is no tummy to try and conceal when it comes to purses and shoes.
So I returned home a few hours later, refreshed from my shopping therapy, and Savannah greeted me like I'd been gone for at least a week. Hi, Mama! Where did you go? Did you go shopping? Did you go to Kohls? I miss you, Mama!
And then she proceeded to inform me...
Mama, we went to the store and Daddy got you a card and it is so beautiful and it has bunny rabbits on it, but you can't open it now, it is just for tomorrow, you can color it tomorrow if you want to, it's for you AND for me, ok?
Ricardo just shook his head and said, "I figured she'd spill the beans before tomorrow."
I'm trying to catch up on my Project 365 pictures from the last few weeks. Any picture that looks intensely green was taken in Missouri. Anything brown and dusty looking was taken here. Not hard to figure out which I prefer.
Sara - as always, thank you for hosting!
Posted by Jackie at 2:17 PM
Thursday, May 07, 2009
I've been back from my little trip for a couple of days, but I have been holding off on posting because I was really hoping that I would've picked a winner from my little Name That Blog contest by now.
Obviously I forgot to factor in my inherent indecisiveness, and also the fact that you all are amazing and came up with so many choices that my head is pretty much spinning.
I feel exactly as I do when we pull up to the Sonic menu board. I've talked about this before, haven't I? Where I just sit there, and also make my very patient hubby just sit there, while I study the menu for a good 10 minutes. Because everything looks fabulous, and I don't quite know what I want. And since it's such a monumental decision, you know, deciding between a cherry limeade or the lemonberry slush, you can't just rush these things.
So. I haven't picked a name yet. I'm pretty torn.
But - we had an amazing trip! It rained the entire time we were there, and I loved every second (sorry, Sara - I know you are sick of the rain!). And it was so green...real, live grass, enormous trees, and my grandma's garden that was exploding with lettuce and onions.
Something else I learned last week...Savannah loves crab legs. I had no idea. My uncle cooked a feast of steak and crab legs one night, and it's obvious that she is my offspring - the girl likes her meat. I spent most of my meal cutting up steak and cracking open the crab for her, and I couldn't keep up. More crab, Mama.
She has expensive taste, this one.
My extended family has had their share of issues over the past few years, and so we didn't really know what to expect going into this. We weren't sure if we'd be welcomed with open arms, or if the entire week would be spent awkwardly tiptoeing around trying not to offend.
We got the open arm treatment. Reconciliation is a good thing, y'all.
It was good to get away for awhile, and even better to come home. Because there really is nothing like your own plush mattress and pillow that is squished in all the right places. It's the little things that do it for me.
Posted by Jackie at 12:04 AM