Saturday, February 28, 2009


We had a dinner at church tonight, a thank-you from the leadership to the volunteers in the children's church for all of the hours of work this past year. It was fun and casual, just pizza and salad and a lot of chit-chatting.

There was also some random giveaways, about 10 gift cards to various restaurants. I didn't have much hope, because I never, ever, ever win these kinds of things. But it came down to the very last ticket that was drawn. By this time, I was barely listening to the numbers, because, hello, I never win.

And then she called, "4007015!" And I didn't even move, until my hubby nudged me and said, "Isn't that you!??"

Well, what do you know.

The only gift card left was one to Olive Garden, which I like, and although hubby isn't wild about it, even he knows better than to turn up his nose at free food. So I foresee a date that includes pasta (whole-wheat, of course) and a lot of salad in the very near future...

They opened up the playland area in the children's church for the kids, and since there was no age limit tonight, I took Savannah over. I nearly changed my mind when I saw how packed out the place was. Kids everywhere, a few little ones but mostly older, all pushing and swarming and sliding, just being kids.

But Savannah is teeny tiny. Savannah still wears some 18 month clothes, and she's 3. Savannah has never been on this gigantic play structure that is usually only for kids 5 and older. I was ready to grab her hand and march her back to the safety and relative boredom of the foyer where all the adults were hanging out.

But she didn't hesitate. She sat herself down, whipped off her shoes, and ran towards the entrance of the slide. She was swept up in a hoard of kids that were pushing their way up the stairs, and she valiantly kept up, little legs stretching and fingers groping for a handhold. And she never looked back.

I stood there off to the side, holding my breath as she was bumped and jostled, overtaken by the bigger kids, surrounded by screams and shouts of laughter, but not even caring. She was having the time of her life.

For a second I felt like I was looking down a long tunnel at the rest of her life. Seeing her swept up into something that was bigger than what I thought she could handle, and wanting to rush in and rescue her from a danger that hadn't even happened.

And I realized...I cannot always be there to watch over her. Nor should I be. I will have to let her go, let her climb, let her figure things out on her own. Life will happen, and she'll get hurt. She'll have the wind knocked out of her.

I think the hard part will be knowing when to swoop in with all of my motherly instincts and make it all better, and when to quietly let go and let her learn on her own.

I'm just glad I don't have to figure all of that out today. For now, I am still the one she wants when she comes down from the slide and she's ready to go home.

Monday, February 23, 2009


By the time my hubby rolled into town on Thursday night, back from a 4-day business trip, I was almost over my computer withdrawals. Funny how that works....I complain that I'm gonna be without it, and then I settle down with a stack of library books, and...voila. Computer addiction all but forgotten.

But because he knows me so well, he walked in, kissed us hello, twirled Savannah around, and then set up my computer for me. In that order, and within about 5 minutes of his arrival.

And again...voila. Library books all but forgotten.

Ok, so maybe it isn't quite that bad...I suppose if I had to pick just one for the rest of my life, books or internet, I would still pick books. But, have mercy, I hope I never have to make that decision.

One of the reasons I was so anxious to get back online, though, was because of my darling friend Rachel at In His Hands. Rachel is the kind of invisible blog friend who I just know I would have no problem sitting down with, grabbing Starbucks and hashing over the latest episode of The Bachelor or Amazing Race. Rachel and Josh are in the process of adopting a precious little one from Korea. Now, I knew that process was incredibly expensive, but I had no idea just how much it really does cost.

So Rachel has been hard at work, putting together an amazing raffle-style giveaway and fundraiser. And she has some amazing prizes that she is offering. So head on over to her blog to check it out...I know that you are going to love her as much as I do.

And now for my Project 365 pics, Week 8...

On Saturday I had a little baby shower for my best friend, Tara. She already has one little guy, a 2-year old who is beyond cute and all boy , and he is going to become a big brother in about two weeks.

Savannah had to be threatened with all sorts of dire consequences if she even THOUGHT about touching the cake before it was time to cut it. As soon as a piece was set in front of her, the frosting and Bavarian cream filling disappeared, and the yellow cake was abandoned.

Is it apparent that I don't take a picture every day? I'm more the type that takes about 50 pictures one day and then none the next 4 days. And I forget my camera everytime we go anywhere, which probably leads you to believe that we never leave the house.

I promise, we do.

But I've finally made peace with this unorthodox way of doing Project 365 - it's just the way it is.

Happy Monday!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Project 365 - Week 7

I'm pretty sure I have the best bloggy (and real-life) friends anywhere. Hands down. I cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of encouragment, all of the comments and emails and virtual hugs you sent my way. I have to say, I wrote that post mostly for was one of those things that I was compelled to do. It had been rattling around in my brain since the beginning of the year and wouldn't let up until I wrote it, so after ignoring it for 6 weeks, I gave in. And now I'm glad I did. So thank you. You have no idea how much it meant to me.

So, we went to church today. As a family. For the first time in 3 weeks.

I'm happy to say that I think we're almost back to normal.

And since the sermon today was on complaining - or rather, on not complaining - I'm not going to dwell on the last three weeks and instead just say I'm so very thankful for good health.

Our week has been pretty laid back. We had a very low-key Valentine's Day yesterday - the best part of the day was when my hubby, who was supposed to work all day, got off early and came home at noon. We spent the afternoon hanging out, watching Get Smart (very silly, but parts of it still cracked me up), and then grilling in the evening. Burgers for Ricardo, chicken for me and Savannah. But don't think that I didn't steal a bite of his burger....

So the week in pictures...

I'm going to be without my computer this week. Again. (Not complaining. Really. I just think that it's about time I get a computer of my own. I'm sure you, my fellow bloggy addicts, understand.)

So I'll be making another trip to the library, and y'all, I need some ideas. What books should I look for? What have you read lately that you could not put down? I plan on reading at least 6 or 7 this week, so help a girl out.

See you all next week!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hindsight is...

There has been something going around the blogosphere lately that I love, people writing blog posts to their former selves 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. Posts full of wisdom that only hindsight can reveal, that say, "If you only knew...that guy was a jerk....size 6 is NOT you didn't know you were gonna marry...him???..."

I know that God in His wisdom does not reveal everything to us for a reason. He wants our faith to grow, to trust even though we cannot see. And, quite possibly, if we could see what was ahead in some situations, we would dig in our heels and refuse to walk down that path.

But tonight, because I cannot see, I wish I had a letter that my self 10 years into the future would write to me right now. Something that would let me know which direction to go. Whether or not we should pursue further testing to see why a little brother or sister is not on the way for Savannah. Something to tell me why I wasted money on about 30 pregnancy tests last year. Why I sat on my couch on New Years Eve and cried as the ball dropped, partly from relief that the most stressful year of my life (for more reasons than one) was finally over, and partly with sadness that some very precious dreams had not been fulfilled.

I haven't written much about this whole secondary infertility thing, because I don't really know where I fit. I find myself feeling so guilty that it is even an issue for me, because we have already been so incredibly blessed with one little angel. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty, for not even allowing myself to acknowledge the fact that it hurts.

There are so many stories out there that break my heart. I don't know what it's like to lose someone close to me, to go through primary infertility, to experience abuse, or unfaithfulness, or a million other things that someone else is walking through right now. All I know right now is what I'm in. It is not really better or worse or easier or harder or something I need to excuse away. It

And this week I finally realized it is ok. It's ok not to feel guilty that I cried, suddenly, with an embarrassing gush of tears, when a sweet lady at church told me not to wait too long before trying for another. It's ok to admit that I desperately want another baby in my arms, even though I wouldn't trade my sweet Savannah for anything in the world. It's even ok to feel a little pang when I hear someone announce, glowingly, "I'm pregnant!"

I know I mentioned my love for Anne of Green Gables recently, and as I was reading along last week, I came across a line that summed up perfectly how I felt...(She) was always glad in the happiness of her friends; but it is sometimes a little lonely to be surrounded everywhere by a happiness that is not your own.

And so it is. It is hard to explain how you can so fully rejoice for a dear friend, and be 100% happy for them, while still carrying an ache in your heart.

So in 10 years, I will probably write that letter to myself. And smile and shake my head, and wonder at all of the tears shed by this 32 year old. But even if that letter doesn't talk about the shouts of laughter from a baby boy or Savannah running to tattle on her little sister, I'll be ok.

I know it will still be a good letter, because my God already knows what it will say.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

When you're 3, the only reason to bow down...

I read Savannah a Bible story every night before bed. Her attention span varies - a lot of that has to do with how exciting the illustration that accompanies the story is. So far her favorites are the picture of Samson rending the cords that the wily Delilah had bound him with...

...the picture of the fiery horse and carriage that took Elijah up to heaven...

...and the Golden Statue in Nebuchadnezzar's dream (she was so convinced this was the Statue of Liberty for the longest time).

Last night we read about Balaam and his talking donkey, which had this fine illustration next to it.

She took one look at it - Balaam prostrating himself before the fearsome angel of the Lord in terror and repentance.

"Mama," she said, "Is he....coloring?"

Guess she had something like this in mind...


Sunday, February 08, 2009

Project 365 - Week 6

Big sigh.

Once you let yourself get behind on something, it's so hard to find the gumption to get caught back up. That's how I feel about Project 365 right now. But I'm going to pretend like I didn't miss the past two weeks and just jump back in now.

Oh, and the coughing is really starting to wear out its welcome. I think it's finally on the way out, though...along with Savannah's fever and ear infection (her first ever - I didn't even know how to properly give her antibiotics - can you tell I'm not crazy about medicine?) I've missed so much church it's not even funny.

So a little peek at the last few weeks. The weather has been gorgeous. 60 degrees and balmy. We've gotten spoiled and I've completely forgotten that it's actually February.

See the trashed picture? I blame it on the fact that I haven't been feeling great, but in actuality, my house looks like that every weekend. I don't know what it is about the weekend, but when Friday night hits, I kick into relaxation mode and only do the bare minimum in keeping up with the house. Then about 5:00 every Sunday evening, I suddenly can't stand the mess any longer, and I race around like crazy picking things up and cleaning and washing dishes. Just in time for Monday, I guess.

And this pile of goodies...this made my day! I love getting any kind of real mail anyway, and a package like this is so fun. Rachelle at With One Step sent it to me....I helped her with a tiny little coding issue on her blog, and she was sweet enough to send all of this to me. Thanks, Rachelle!

And thanks to Sara for hosting Project 365!