Thursday, February 12, 2009

Hindsight is...

There has been something going around the blogosphere lately that I love, people writing blog posts to their former selves 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. Posts full of wisdom that only hindsight can reveal, that say, "If you only knew...that guy was a jerk....size 6 is NOT fat...study harder...bet you didn't know you were gonna marry...him???..."

I know that God in His wisdom does not reveal everything to us for a reason. He wants our faith to grow, to trust even though we cannot see. And, quite possibly, if we could see what was ahead in some situations, we would dig in our heels and refuse to walk down that path.

But tonight, because I cannot see, I wish I had a letter that my self 10 years into the future would write to me right now. Something that would let me know which direction to go. Whether or not we should pursue further testing to see why a little brother or sister is not on the way for Savannah. Something to tell me why I wasted money on about 30 pregnancy tests last year. Why I sat on my couch on New Years Eve and cried as the ball dropped, partly from relief that the most stressful year of my life (for more reasons than one) was finally over, and partly with sadness that some very precious dreams had not been fulfilled.

I haven't written much about this whole secondary infertility thing, because I don't really know where I fit. I find myself feeling so guilty that it is even an issue for me, because we have already been so incredibly blessed with one little angel. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty, for not even allowing myself to acknowledge the fact that it hurts.

There are so many stories out there that break my heart. I don't know what it's like to lose someone close to me, to go through primary infertility, to experience abuse, or unfaithfulness, or a million other things that someone else is walking through right now. All I know right now is what I'm in. It is not really better or worse or easier or harder or something I need to excuse away. It just....is.

And this week I finally realized it is ok. It's ok not to feel guilty that I cried, suddenly, with an embarrassing gush of tears, when a sweet lady at church told me not to wait too long before trying for another. It's ok to admit that I desperately want another baby in my arms, even though I wouldn't trade my sweet Savannah for anything in the world. It's even ok to feel a little pang when I hear someone announce, glowingly, "I'm pregnant!"

I know I mentioned my love for Anne of Green Gables recently, and as I was reading along last week, I came across a line that summed up perfectly how I felt...(She) was always glad in the happiness of her friends; but it is sometimes a little lonely to be surrounded everywhere by a happiness that is not your own.

And so it is. It is hard to explain how you can so fully rejoice for a dear friend, and be 100% happy for them, while still carrying an ache in your heart.

So in 10 years, I will probably write that letter to myself. And smile and shake my head, and wonder at all of the tears shed by this 32 year old. But even if that letter doesn't talk about the shouts of laughter from a baby boy or Savannah running to tattle on her little sister, I'll be ok.

I know it will still be a good letter, because my God already knows what it will say.


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51 comments:

Rachelle said...

Good post, Jackie!

I hope we can share letters in 10 years...

I love the quote from Anne of Green Gables. Boy can I relate.

Said a little prayer for ya this morning....Infertility is hard be it primary or secondary. You have every right to feel how you feel.

Love ya, girl....

Casey said...

That was a beautiful post my friend. Thanks for sharing your heart. I will remember you in my prayers.

Kodi said...

What a beautiful post. I am 100% with you on it. Not for the same issue, but yep, I get ya. Thank you so much for sharing that.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

That will be a great letter, my friend. Hugs!

Aspiemom said...

That will be a great letter, Jackie.

I mourned when I had a hysterectomy and had had no children yet. Later we adopted Ryan and then I mourned that we couldn't afford a brother or sister for him. Now I could write a letter saying "God knew that you would be very sick and not able to take care of yourself, half the time, let alone children! He knew what was best, but you'll have to wait and see that for yourself."

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in this post.

Thanks again for your help on my blog.

The Fritz Facts said...

Thank you so much for sharing your heart. That is something that is not always easy to do.

I am saying a prayer for you.

kaleytaylor said...

Jackie, I had no idea! Thanks for sharing your heart - I'll keep you in my prayers.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Jackie....once again, we are Soul Bloggy Sisters, because wait until you read my post for tomorrow. I worked on it last night, but won't put it up until tomorrow. It goes hand in hand with your post today!

Just know I'm praying for you, dear friend...

Tracy's Porch said...

This was a beautiful and deeply touching post. Thank you so much for sharing. I loved the quote and I think many of us have felt that way in one way or another at some point in our lives.

My heart reaches out for the tears you have shed in the past year!!!!!

Prayers to you for peace in your heart that things are happening just the way they are meant to be.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Let go of that guilt my friend, there's no need for it. You are feeling nothing wrong, you are simply feeling.

Hang on to that truth of your last line...I LOVE your last line :)

Lois Lane II said...

Wow, Jackie. What a post. =) I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty; you're happy for your friends, but you want to feel that happiness for yourself. What's wrong with that?

I want to have my first baby so badly right now...but it's such a bad timing when, if I waited just one extra year, things would be SO much easier. And it's so hard when I have people telling me (seriously!), "Those eggs are going to go bad!" (I'm 25, btw), and "God wants you to have kids...NOW." and "Why don't y'all want to have a baby again?" GRRRRR....Lol. I'll be praying for you, cause I know it's not easy to deal with people who are insensitive and who, when they're trying to be nice, don't realize how their words hurt. And I pray that things work for the best for y'all, no matter what happens. =)

Jennifer @ Taking My Time said...

Even though I don't know you in person, commenting on each other's blogs has made me feel very close to you. It was so hard for me to finally announce my pregnancy, I waited so long. On my blog and at church. I feel so guilty to be pregnant. I know you told me you could be happy for me but it almost makes me angry (and again, guilty) that I can be pregnant and you (and a good friend of mine from church) can't. She can't even conceive her first.

It made me cry to read your post and I'm seriously hurting for you right now.

{Jodie} said...

Jackie, I love this post so much. My heart aches for you, and reading that quote from Anne of Green Gables gave me chills. I feel for you that this time is so difficult, and I totally relate with the desire to have a letter from 10 years down the road...
Seems like you've already processed alot of this quite well, so it's difficult to add anything. I just wanted to let you know that I read it, I loved it, and I think you're such a fantastic person--even though we've never met in real time. I feel like in some ways I already know and love you. :)

You're right though - God knows. He sees. And He cares.

big hugs, Jodie

Darcie - Such The Spot said...

Oh, you've brought me to tears this morning. That was a beautiful and honest account. One that I'm so glad you shared because now I know to include you in my prayers.

I know well the impatience with God's plan. And the confusion. He is good though. I know you'll stay strong in your faithfulness.

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I love how honestly you were able to express what you're feeling. My heart is heavy for you and the infertility you're struggling through. I'm sorry. So sorry.

Thank you for sharing this. I'm very tempted to give up on blogging these days, mainly because of the lack of authenticity I feel when reading blogs. You just gave me a glimmer of hope and made me a little more reluctant to throw in the towel...

Kristy said...

Thank you for being so transparent and offering us a glimpse into your heart. I am praying for you.

Queen to my 3 Boys said...

Oh Jackie. I know. I really know.

It's easy for me to look back in hindsight now, but there were some tough times...

Thank you for being so real. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be sad, even when you have such a precious little girl there with you.

God will cry with you and hold your hand all the way.

I emailed you this morning before reading your post - interestingly enough, my post today has some similarities to yours. Please join me.

Rachel @ Unexpected Blessings said...

So glad you shared your heart with us. I don't really have anything else to say. I just hope that my inadequate words can help in some way.

Elizabeth said...

You blessed me by sharing your heart in this post, and I want you to know that nothing is more true than your last line. God knows exactly what will happen in the days to come, because they are in His hands in every way. And you're right, you should not feel guilty about any of your feelings because they just are. And your honesty about that touched me.

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

I am so with you

Kellie said...

I love your transparency in your post. And I am so sorry that you are facing this struggle.

I also think that your sharing your heart is healthy, because grief over this issue is real! No matter if you are experiencing 1st or 2nd time infertility.

Hang in there friend...

Colored With Memories said...

sweet jackie, oh how i long to give you a big texas hug right now. not that it would do much, but just know i care for you and although i'm sure i don't have the right words for you, i'm managing to form some to god on your behalf.

hang in there...you were so brave to do this post...it is beautiful.

Sara@i.Sass said...

Oh yeah, do I need to write a letter to my sweet little girl self.
I know the guilt.
Guilt sucks.
I love how honest you are.
I have a son, that I was MAD over getting pregnant with. I didn't want to go through the pain of high risk pregnancy again and feel like every choice I made was wrong in regards to "hurting" the baby if I drank a cup of coffee or ate cereal at night before bed.
Once I started blogging and hearing all these stories I thought: "How DARE you feel that way. LOOK at these gals..."
But what you said.
It just IS. It IS what was going on with ME.
SO thank you for sharing your IS with us. And know that it is OKAY to have YOUR feelings. They are YOURS and nobody is judging you.

Cheri said...

Our situations are so different, yet the feelings with them are so much the same. How can I feel so sad with my aching arms, when I already have a child here? How can I feel that a part of our family is missing when for 10 years another child wasn't even a though in our minds?

But life is what it is, and what God gives us each and every second of each and every day.

Gretchen said...

Sarah, at Life in the Parsonage said it perfectly for me.

I'll just add that i wish i could come over with ice cream and rub your back.

Maya's Musings said...

Jackie, my beautiful friend, I know you know that I feel your pain. I feel guilty for wanting another one too, because their are so many waiting to adopt as well. I am praying for you today, my friend. Love, Maya

Rachel said...

"I know it will still be a good letter, because my God already knows what it will say."

You blessed my soul with that last line, sister.

What hurts me the most for you is that you feel bad about your hurting. The truth, Jackie, is yes, there are larger hurts others are experiencing out there, but just because they are bigger in magnitude doesn't mean that your hurt should be marginalized, because your hurt is every bit as real. It's a very real thing and PLEASE don't feel guilty about it!

I think we're told in Christian circles any time we're in want that we need to count our blessings, which is true, and it is what you are doing with Savannah. But wanting a larger family is not a covetous or envious thing that you should regret feeling.

I will pray for you, for both your emotional and spiritual wellbeing during this time and for God's providence for your family.

Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt said...

Jackie, that was so beautiful and open and honest. Praying for you today. And He has promised never to leave you or forsake you!!!

Christine said...

Hi. First itme stopping by. You have a lovely family.

Thanks for your honesty. Blessings. I know you are not asking for advice, but in our case, God closed one door and opened another.

RosyRose said...

ahh Jackie I am so sorry for your pain! I have sooo many friends that have walked this path! I have heard them express just what you have... Guilt but pain.
Thank you for your honesty!
I will pray for you right now that God opens your womb and sends you that 2nd angel!!!:)
Hugs to you!

Erin K. said...

(((((hugs)))) I will be praying for you.

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

Amen sister. He does.

Guilt schmilt. Toss that guilt in the road and cry out to the Father.

If Savannah came to you 30 years from now with this problem, would you tell her to quit whining? No, you would hold her in your arms and tell her you love her and you are so sorry she is hurting.

Your heavenly Father loves you even a million times more than you love Savannah, Jackie. Crawl in his lap and let him comfort you.

love, mis

jennifer said...

When I was trying to get pregnant with Avery, I can remember crying my eyes out every time I heard another one of my dear friends was pregnant. I was happy for them, but I was just really really sad for ME.

It's so hard.
So hard.
I feel for you.
I hope that you can feel peace in knowing that our Father knows the desires of your heart.
I'm praying for you.

Sincerely Anna said...

Oh, I know where your heart is right now. I understand the false guilt and the feelings that you should just "be thankful." BUT, this pain and wanting to have another child is very real and it hurts and as a new friend/reader of your blog I feel led to pray for you. I'll be praying that God gives you and your husband clarity...in a very personal, intimate you-know-its-from-God way.

His Girl said...

I remember being in your shoes. My son was 3 and we had been trying for over a year to get pregnant again.

I was crying to my best friend how I was starting to get sad that everyone I knew was pregnant and a few days later she admitted to me that she was pregnant too. Poor dear.

When my son was 4 1/2 I gave birth to my twin girls. The moment I saw them on the ultrasound, I knew that I should be grateful that God hadn't given them to me earlier. Nervous Breakdown would be eminent for sure.

Anyway, I tell you this story to encourage you in remembering we don't want anything even a milisecond before His planning. Also, you get to say it's rough. it just is.

your last sentence?
lovely.

Jules from "The Roost" said...

What an amazing post Jackie. So full of wisdom.....I can't wait to read the one you right in ten years either! XOXO

Michelle@Life with Three said...

Jackie, you brought me to tears with this. I so admire your transparency, as well as your love and trust in God. I've walked the infertility road, as well. I know exactly of what you write. Just know that I'm praying for you. :)

Lois Lane II said...

Jackie, he plays the piano in church, but he also plays the guitar (a little) and sings very, very well. Thanks! =)

Growin' with it! said...

wow jackie, what a beautiful post. i bet we can all say this about different things in our lives. but with having children it is a different sort of pain. i cannot wait to "read" the end of this chapter in your life. and hear how God blesses you and your sweet family!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Jackie, what a sweet, heart-felt, honest post you have written. It really touched my heart. And I know if it is this precious to me how precious it must be to our Father. My prayers are with you.

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Jackie girl,
You already know I love you. Tons. I read this post a few times. Each time wanting so badly to say so much. Each time not saying anything because I wanted to talk to you in person. Hug you for real. Finally got over that and moved on to just leaving a comment. :)
I know it's silly to feel close to you when we really don't 'know' each other. But I do. Simnple as that.
Let yourself feel sweetie. It's okay. Really it is. God has so many good thigns in store for you. I don't know what, but I know it will knock your socks off.
I'm looking forward to joining you in the journey. Looking forward to seeing what all unfolds.
In the mean time. Cry if you need to. Eat a little bit of chocolate. Find some quiet time. Tell God how you feel (I'm sure you have many times). He wants you to run to him and pour your heart out. He doesn't even care if you yell a little. I know because I've done it and he was good with it.
{♥}

CarolinaMama said...

So sorry that 2008 was not more fun for you. I wanted you to know that YOU keep it so positive for us in the bloggyland that who knew!

Thinking of you - disappointment is tough but God's plan is always way better than ours.

Hugs, Happy Valentine's Day!

Jenn said...

Jackie,

You know, I loved reading this post! I am so glad you were able to write what you have been dealing with and feeling. And IT IS OKAY to feel sad about this, I'm glad you are realizing that. I will continue to pray for you and just know that I am sending you a BIG virtual hug (wish I was there to give you one in person).

Krystal said...

Jackie, I have felt so blessed to happen upon your blog many months ago! I could so see you as a close friend if only we lived closer. I want you to know you are in my prayers. I wished there was more I could say or do, but sometimes we go through things that are tough, really tough. And you wonder at that time why things are happening the way they are. But it is always much later when everything is said and done that you look back and you see God's timing in everything. This doesn't make the situation easier, but for me it is always nice to know that one day I will see the big picture and it will all make sense then. Did any of that make a bit of sense? Just know sweet Jackie you are in my prayers.
Krystal

Melissa said...

Thanks for sharing your heart today, revealing yourself to all of us. You have a positive attitude, stay strong, your faith will carry you thru. I will pray for you. Let God write your story...

Janelle said...

thank you for this post, and for sharing your heart. i feel the exact same way - and that quote is so so true. i love my friends, and am very happy for them, but can't help the hurt that just aches deep down. God already knows, and He will heal. He always does. :)
blessings...you'll be in my prayers.

Life In Progress said...

Girl, this was a gorgeous, gorgeous post. I wish I could bring over some chocolate, sit on your couch & just listen.

I also want to second what Missy said. Your hurt is real & that hurt does not mean you are not grateful for your sweet Savannah. God KNOWS that. And so do we.

The Mommy said...

So, hands down, that was one of the most wonderful and REAL posts I've ever read. Praying for you, my dear sweet friend! I had no idea that you were going through this. {Sending BIG hugs your way!}

SarahHub said...

Oh, Jackie...

I am so sorry you're dealing with this. I know it is so very hard.

I always wish I knew His plan, so I could make myself okay with it. Just know you are in His hands. And you are strong. And not alone.

Lizz @ Yes, and So is My Heart said...

Oh Jackie, this is such an honest post. Our God is so good. I'll be praying for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

H-Mama said...

reading this post brought back a lot of memories for me. as a former pastor's wife, i remember going to everyone's baby showers and dedications with a smile on my face, wondering if it would ever happen for us. primary or secondary, heartache is heartache... i'm just thankful God understands it all. (((((hugs)))))