Thursday, May 01, 2008

A woman who fears the Lord

For about the past month or so, I have been taking part in an online "Women of the Bible" study, done by Rachel Olsen. Rachel is absolutely awesome, and I have learned a lot from her insights. It's refreshing to see her being so honest and real, especially coming from someone that we all might look up to as having it "all together".

This past week we studied the Proverbs 31 woman. I have always loved this chapter. When I was younger, I would read it, and picture her in my mind. I would think that someday I would grow up and be like this woman. The very essence of beauty, grace, diligence, wisdom, strength.

Then I grew up. And I am nothing like this woman.

Or at least that is how I feel most days.

Oh, there are parts that I can relate to. My husband trusts me. I am pretty good at preparing food for my family, taking care of them, making sure they are properly outfitted in cute clothes. My house is passably clean.

On second thought, "clean" is a pretty strong word. I think "picked up" is the term I'm looking for. (Ricardo came home the other day and told me how nice and clean the house looked. I hadn't cleaned a thing, but I HAD just put everything away. I smiled. And did not bother to correct his error).

I realize this was written a very long time ago and obviously things are not the same. I am not comparing myself to someone who stitches every piece of clothing by hand, or goes and and buys a field, or plans the days' work for the servant girls. Servant girls! Ha! I should be so lucky.

But there are some things that jump out at me. Painfully so. Words like energetic. Hard worker. Strength. And the one that gets me the most, ".....suffers nothing from laziness".

By definition, I am quite phlegmatic in personality. So, I guess it goes without saying that my absolute weakness is....laziness. I've said before that I don't use the categorizing of different personality traits to excuse the weaknesses in myself, but rather to identify and work on them.

So that brings me back to this verse. This awesome Wonder Woman of the Bible. I have prayed many, many times that a lazy spirit would not reside in me. But all too often, it seems like I look back at the end of the day and chastise myself for not getting more done. For not reading more books with my baby. For not having more meaningful conversations with my hubby. For not applying myself in God's Word like I should. The list goes on and on.

I know there is a balance. I know every one has different strengths. My mom absolutely THRIVES on cleaning. I have never seen anyone like her when it comes to scrubbing a floor. I, on the other hand, only clean because I absolutely HAVE to, so we don't end up living in a germ-encrusted mess. But I love to cook. If I could try new recipes all day, I would totally be in my element.

So I'm trying. I'm trying to see the balance in life, the balance between the laziness that threatens to overtake me sometimes, and the self-reproach that tries to tell me that I haven't been good enough, haven't done enough. I know it's not possible to be perfect, and that is not my goal. I simply want to know at the end of the day that I have given it what I should have, that I've given my family what they deserve.

And hopefully they will rise up and call me BLESSED.